I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
