I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
