The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
