Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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