Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
