it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
