He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
