They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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