And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
there is glitter all over my balls
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
