You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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