you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
