My nipple is on Facebook.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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