Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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