Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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