She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
