I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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