i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
