I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
