My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
