also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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