As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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