there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
