I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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