At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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