I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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