He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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