I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
