seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
