I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
