I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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