Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
