Small penises have feelings too.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wear drunk well.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
