i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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