Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
