New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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