6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
