your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
