I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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