He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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