If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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