I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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