I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
