i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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