Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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