she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
