he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
