my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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