I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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