Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
