the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
