Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
