from now on my penis is your penis
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
