I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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